Decoding 6 Midlife Lessons from The Bear - Ep 65

Ever wondered why we're so fascinated by TV series like The Bear? What if we told you that the stories spun on screen often hold life lessons that can apply to our own realities? Join us as we decode the midlife wisdom tucked within the Hulu series, the Bear. As we unpack the rollercoaster of relationships, struggles, and personal transitions within the show, we'll be reflecting on our own midlife journeys and experiences .

Symbolism is a powerful storytelling tool. In this episode, we dive headfirst into the potent imagery of the bear in the series, dissecting its many interpretations. We ponder upon how this central motif represents the oldest brother, Mikey, and symbolizes the persistent ambition of Carmy. The anticipation is running high for the third season and the evolution of these symbols! Meanwhile, our personal midlife transitions continue. From sporting my new empty nest pin, to embracing change at midlife, we're living through it all.

Communication is key. We conclude with a conversation about the power of being heard and the art of apologizing. Amidst the chaos of our daily lives, genuinely listening to someone could be the most empathetic act. Acknowledging our mistakes and actually saying 'sorry' is a strength not many possess. Inspired by The Bear, we underline the importance of making every moment count. Navigating life's ups and downs, we're taking it one day at a time. So, join us for this thought-provoking episode as we draw parallels between restaurant dramas and life's lessons.


The  Positively Midlife Podcast is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. 

Chapters

• 0:21 Bear Lessons and Candle Obsession
• 4:22 Symbolism and Obsessions in Midlife Lessons
• 8:27 The Power of Listening and Apologizing
• 16:47 The Importance of Every Second

Transcript

tish: 0:22

Ellen, you know both of us have been binge watching that Hulu series, the Bear. It's intense comedy drama. The most dysfunctional characters that work in the restaurant business and we watch these characters like battle each other more intensely than they battle their own inner demons. I think the characters and the storylines are so deceptively deep, though, and really profound, and I felt we needed to unpack all these life lessons that come pouring out of each episode.

ellen: 1:02

So well said, tish. You know, and as we watch these characters try and fix and relaunch a new restaurant, we're also watching them fix and relaunch their own lives, and we are rooting and praying for them some of the time too.

ellen: 1:20

So there is so much to learn on what feels just like a wild mouse ride of relationships, and I have to say that I was not initially interested in this series, but I have taken so much away from it which I think is so interesting, so I know we both watched it with our sons, which was a great part of it. I do want to say spoiler alert on some things, right Tish.

tish: 1:47

So if you haven't watched it. Definitely spoiler alert a little bit here and there, but still worth watching because this is really like a deep dive into characters, and that's I love shows like that that are a deep dive into characters. So my oldest son, Alex, got me hooked on the bear and it brought back some of the crazier moments when the two of us, along with my middle son, Sean, ran our own restaurant. So when I was watching this it was like flashback veil at times. So it may seem over the top, but there's something about restaurant life that makes you crazy.

ellen: 2:32

You know, tish, I forgot until you just said that you ran a restaurant for a number of years with your kids. We've been friends so long. Sometimes we can forget some of these things that have happened in each other's lives. But I do have that chicken recipe, the secret chicken recipe actually from when you ran that restaurant and you know I put myself through college in a big way with you also at one part waitressing.

ellen: 3:00

I have that around kitchen Remember how crazy my people were crazy there, yeah crazy, but good, crazy fun, crazy. We wanted to be part of it. Crazy Right.

tish: 3:12

Absolutely All right.

ellen: 3:14

We have a lot to talk about today on this, but before we get to the bear and our life lessons I think there's six of them that we've learned let's talk about our obsessions. You know I love this part of the show. What do you got for me this week, tish?

tish: 3:30

You know we've done a couple episodes about, you know, being a little bit more socially conscious and and about, you know, chemicals and toxins and all that and didn't?

tish: 3:41

I come across a candle company called sibling candle, and they do refillable kits and they're so interesting because it's almost like in this and it's biodegradable bags where you melt the wax and you take a good amount of it and you take a glass jar, because what do we normally do with these? We just throw them away. Right, more ways? Yeah, you can. They actually encourage you to refill your old candle jars and put their stuff in there, and it's super easy and I think it would be kind of a cool little project you could even do with younger kids.

tish: 4:18

But so that is my obsession this week. And they have some great fragrances. There's two that I'm dying to try. It's Prosecco, raspberry with sandalwood, nice, and another one is, and that one's called celebrate, and it comes in a cute little package. So again, a nice gift idea. And the other one was beach days and it has sea salt, marina cord I'm not sure what that is and driftwood, but it sounded really good. And these are non-toxic oils and they do use coconut blend wax. So, and again that the packaging that comes in is even compostable.

ellen: 4:59

Wow, well, you're hitting a lot of our high points there, right? And you know what Prosecco, raspberry and sandalwood does sound like you, I have to say it sounds like you. Well, we'll have to take a look at those. I'm really interested to learn a little bit more, and why it's called sibling candles too, I think there must be a story behind that Awesome.

tish: 5:23

Love your session this week. I can't wait to hear your obsession this week.

ellen: 5:29

Well, I am up here at the University of Oregon taping our podcast remotely with my youngest son, who's going to be coming to school here, and one of the things they gave me was this empty nest pin and Tish can see this, the rest of you can, but it's probably about three inches wide and a pin. I could, you know, put on a.

tish: 5:52

In the Oregon colors in the Oregon green and yellow.

ellen: 5:56

Yes, In the duck colors. He's here for his orientation called introduction, and I grabbed this pin because we have been talking about me becoming an empty nester here very, very soon. So I have to say I'm obsessed with it. I'm going to proudly wear it on the flight home.

tish: 6:20

And there you have it. In a couple of weeks it's going to be tear stained.

ellen: 6:28

You know, bittersweet, bittersweet, but my empty nest badge is my obsession this week. I want to thank the University of Oregon for making it just for me.

tish: 6:40

So let's dive on in to the sixth midlife life lessons that we are learning from the Hulu series the Bear. And you know what, ellen, we're not the only ones looking into the meanings into this riveting series. So I was just reading a recent article it was from June from the Washington Post that it was examining the multiple symbolisms in this show, the Bear. And sometimes the Bear stands for the oldest brother, who's Mikey, but then sometimes the Bear also stands for the ambition that drives our main character, our main lovable character, karmie, to the top of his shield, and it is also what pushed him away from his family for a long time. And we can see this in Karmie's dreams, this bear image.

ellen: 7:37

You know, I rewatched the first episode a couple days ago, just in preparation for us to talk about this, and there's a scene with a bear in a cage that opens on a bridge in Chicago. So you know, the complexity and the symbolism is all over the place, right? And of course in the first episode you're like what, what does it do? But it stands for the three thibs at the center of the story. They affectionately it's sugar bear. You know they have these nicknames and I also think it stands for anxiety right Around all of them and how they were brought up. So a lot of symbolism with the bear and, I think, still to be revealed in the third season of this series, right, it's continuing to evolve.

tish: 8:24

Wait for it. Yeah, can't wait for it. So as. I was binge watching this series, you know, the first thing that really grabbed me was that the characters would start really opening up. Something would happen, something profound would happen, and they would share these deep, deep feelings that were pouring out of them. And instead of responding with their own retellable story or giving advice, or whatever the other character that was listening would stop, pause and just say heard.

ellen: 9:05

This is so deep and a big lesson for me, a big midlife lesson for all of us. I think we're all looking to be heard and we don't spend enough time just listening to each other without, as you said, adding on or giving an opinion or telling something that happened to us in the same way, and it's like just to say I heard you is powerful and take that part. Yeah you know I was discussing.

tish: 9:35

You know, we always discuss our episodes before we even record them, as we're developing them. And I was talking to our Trinity sister, felicia who Thaley, thaley, thaley, yes, but she had not seen the series yet, right? So I'm telling her about what we're thinking about. And she was struck by a recent conversation that she had with her now graduating from college daughter, and her daughter asked Thaley why she felt a need to add on to her daughter's story. Every time she told her mom something and the daughter, I guess, wasn't feeling heard. So she felt that Thaley was more concerned about telling her part of it than listening to the daughters.

ellen: 10:25

Oh, that's so interesting, tish and I know I do that all the time, not just with my kids. But growing up we related to one another through kind of shared experiences and that's how we bonded. I mean, we used to sit around that dorm huh coolly and O'Connor right, and just share our stories over and over. Sometimes we would be like tell that story again, tell it again, you know, laughing hysterically with each other. It was our way of relating.

tish: 10:58

Right, it was our way of bonding, and sometimes those discussions were more like a competition to be heard really, but we all bought into it, I guess.

ellen: 11:11

Yeah, but this is an important point. You know, when it comes to deep, serious emotions, critical moments, maybe, not even maybe I'm gonna go with it is more important to be a better listener and focus on what the person's saying instead of what you're gonna say about what the person's saying, and control yourself from adding to conversation. I mean, that is really difficult. Just listen. This is so hard and I love that part of the bear. It was like just heard, right, Nothing else. I acknowledge you. I hear you, yes.

tish: 11:49

Yes, just saying heard. You honor them, you honor their experience and you just let them have their moment Heard. So I challenge people to try this the next time somebody like you know really spills their guts about something or shares something painful or deep, just look at them and just say heard, and see what kind of reaction you got. I'm with you. So, ellen, so Ellen, I wanna move on to another point. Okay, so another thing that I just felt like it just melted me when you told me about the fist circling the heart was a thing when you walked around with the bear.

ellen: 12:39

Yes, I walked away, like when we first started talking about this. I said the thing that I walked away with most Tish was it's the American Sign Language, asl sign for saying sorry and it's your fist kind of circling over your heart and in the bear. They use it a lot of times when there's no time for conversation or you have to. You know, things are just crazy in the kitchen or they're crazy, and what I loved is just that simple gesture and stay it all right, don't you agree?

tish: 13:15

You know it's that visual apology In the series. You see it as a big tension cutter. When the team members disagreed you know, during food service and it can get volatile they would look each other in the eye and they would do that and it would let them know that they could discuss it later. But I'm sorry that it was a profound that motion. It wasn't just words rolling off your tongue, adding that, you know, circling of the heart just added something extra to it.

ellen: 13:49

I agree, and it was a way for the whole bear family within the restaurant to say sorry when the heat was on. And this is really important, because sometimes you need to table something until the heat's off, whether you're in a kitchen or not, right, either? You need to cool down, they need to cool down, you need to think about it. You know we love to talk about Brené Brown here, but it allows again for that pause between the heat and the discussion, and that's what I loved about it too.

tish: 14:20

You know and it also brought up for me you know when you're wrong, you're wrong and you need to just apologize with no excuses, with no but, with no disclaimers, just I'm sorry. And we see in the bear, the more detailed the apology that was given without any excuses, the more heartfelt it really comes across and the more meaningful.

ellen: 14:52

Oh, most definitely, and I think we're going to talk a little bit about one of those apologies a little bit later, but this is something I'm going to be using with my kids too. This is a sign, I think, within a family, where you are able to say I'm sorry and there are no buts or ifs or what or or anything after it. So I'd say everybody should be using this time.

tish: 15:16

Yeah, just owning, just owning up to your part of something, not that you have to take it all on or whatever. But you know, sometimes you just have to say I'm sorry and this is what I know I did. That was wrong or I could have done differently. Just leave it at that.

ellen: 15:37

I agreed that acknowledgement in the moment right, or acknowledging in the moment, and so powerful for me. Let's move on to our third life lesson and this one is called Every Second Counts. And of course you know there is the sign in the kitchen that our character sees. And every second counts is there to remind the chefs that timing is important, that you know the flow of the dishes and at some points they're talking about three seconds and five seconds and seven seconds and you know they need to make it flow faster.

tish: 16:16

You know they were so struggling to get from a seven second action to a five second action and you're sitting there saying two seconds doesn't seem that long.

ellen: 16:25

Right, right. It's like what is this really all about? And I think you're right, tish, that we both agree that in life, seconds add up to minutes, days, years and a lifetime, and here at Midlife, you know this might seem a little philosophical, but like, every second counts now at this point in our lives.

tish: 16:48

Ellen, you are so onto something with the CS, and I think that's why we do this podcast right, Because at Midlife we want to be more intentional about everything. Every second counts. There's no time to waste.

ellen: 17:07

Bravo, tish. I love how you said that, because it really is so true and this translates into my work and life in general. I do want to make every second count at my job now so I can move to enjoying everything else right Before, when I was younger, I could, you know, really just oh, I'll get to that later. Let me chat with people Now. I'm quite focused at work because I know what I really want to do is be outside of work, right? I believe that this is a motto everyone can take away from the bear, whether you're like our sons in their 20s and 30s or you're like us and our listeners in your 40s and 50s and 60s. Every second counts in life. Make them count.

tish: 17:57

Yes, and that leads us to number four. Okay, and this one is interesting because, you know, my youngest plays La Crosse and this is actually an expression in La Crosse and it's called Let it Rip. Okay, and this phrase really stayed with me, ellen, from this series, because it really is this visual of an emotion, of this sense of urgency in starting something Let it rip.

ellen: 18:28

Oh, yes, yes, I mean it's on the card that they find in the envelope right, and it's from Karmie's brother that's passed away. And at one point, when they're opening, they put it on the main station of the new restaurant, where that is almost like their every second counts phrase or motto for the bear, the Let it Rip. You know, I had no idea that it was in La Crosse, but it really does stay.

tish: 19:00

It's this idea of not holding back when you go to swing that La Crosse stick and you're shooting at the goal, usually Let it rip, and that's when you give it up. You're all and you're going for it.

ellen: 19:15

And I love that because you know the brother's dead, their brother Mikey's dead. What he's saying from his, you know, to the family don't wait, do this. It's urgent. And I really do think again at Myth Life. You know, don't be afraid. There was a part of this which is like don't let fear in, do it, you can do it. Yep, mm-hmm. Yeah, love that All right, I do love that Number five. Let's move on. To change is hard and I have to say, this is so true, especially for us at midlife, right.

tish: 19:56

We're living. We're living. This change is hard thing right now, aren't we? Oh, we're living. I mean yeah.

ellen: 20:01

We are families, our bodies, our emotions, like you name it. It's all happening to us at midlife, right, and I do want to be able to change and grow. I don't want to be somebody at midlife who's stuck, or you know, this is the noise, I think, of Trying to turn the ship right. But change is hard at any age and I really did take this away in a couple of the examples from the bear.

tish: 20:32

Yeah, change is always hard, I think. But in the bear they show us that the magic comes in when you find your purpose. And we see this with Richard, the cousin, yes, marcus, the pastry chef, with Tina, who's one of the original cooks. Once they find their purpose, suddenly they embrace the change.

ellen: 21:00

Oh, I have to tell you that I was holding hands with my son in the episode with cousin, with Richie, when he had the opportunity to make this big change, being a stodge at the big Michelin starred restaurant, and he came out and he was cursing, karmie, like you're setting me up, you're setting me up, and I was like he just needs to embrace this change, this dramatic change, and he found a purpose which was serving people and all of his negativity, all of his hostility, and once he had that purpose and he made that change. But, man, it was hard for him and I have to say I haven't rooted for somebody on a TV show like I rooted for that guy ever, ever.

tish: 21:50

You know, because we can see Richard and all of us. We have gone forward in life and we get into this hard spot and we don't know where we fit, because Richard talks about I don't know where my place is here and that's where his anger and frustration was coming from and he was just taking it out on everybody. And so you're at that that fork in the road moment where you can take the opportunity and make the most of it, or you can bitch and moan and be miserable. And, oh my God, what a moment when Richard decides that this was a gift.

ellen: 22:33

It was. It was. One of the parts I loved about this show is that they gave people such opportunities to change and grow. When Marcus goes to Copenhagen and he understands what it takes to really elevate his game. When Tina goes to cooking school and she's afraid, but man, she digs in and she does it right. And then, of course, with cousin going to the Michelin-starred restaurant and doing it. Change is hard, there's fear, but you've got to move ahead.

tish: 23:07

I think again it shows these people when you have purpose, things change in life, when something is hard, that's the time to double down and discover your purpose in it.

ellen: 23:21

Yeah, I love. It All right, we are already at number six, Tish.

tish: 23:27

Wow, we're flying through.

ellen: 23:29

We are flying through. I mean, I felt like we were going to have to cut this short, but small details matter and one thing that really amazed me in the show is the attention to detail from Karmie, from scrubbing with small brushes to the way he cleaned, to the way a table place is set, to the food presentation and then knowing about guests, the knowledge of who is dining with you and what kind of experience you want to give them. Those small details matter so much in the bear.

tish: 24:02

You know, it just shows that paying attention to detail shows that you care and the level of details of what sets a regular restaurant apart from one of these Michelin restaurants. And so it's so funny because I think what's interesting to me, which I didn't realize before doing research on this, is most of the restaurants in the United States that have Michelin stars are mostly in New York City and San Francisco. Did you realize that.

ellen: 24:40

I, you know I didn't. I do know that there are a lot like in Napa and around the Bay area, for sure, but I would have thought they would be dispersed in a lot of cities throughout the United States. That is so interesting.

tish: 24:56

Now, I know you have been to at least one, but have you been to more than one because you've gone to the French Laundry, that's. That's a three star.

ellen: 25:05

Yes, I've gone to the French Laundry and of course that is an epic adventure and I went with some great foodie friends who made it so such a great fun experience. I can't think offhand of any others, although I do know. Who did you go with? I went with Kimberly and Elliot London, oh, okay.

tish: 25:29

Okay, yeah.

ellen: 25:30

And they are great foodies and I loved the experience and I also went once on a business dinner. So I'm very lucky to have dined at the French Laundry twice. I think a few can say that. But I really do notice the attention to every detail at a restaurant like that and I have to say, part of what drew me to this series too is understanding what goes on in the kitchen. I mean, you see really in detail what happens there, but it's all in the details and if you can remember what somebody wants to drink, what they like, what kind of flowers, just in life, tish, you know, I have another friend who is always so great to send a card, just a silly card, a birthday card if something good happens, if she feels like you need a little support. And I think in life to me what I'm carrying away is that those little things in friendships and in our relationships with our partners and even with our children, taking the time to just really have an attention to detail goes so far.

tish: 26:48

Yeah, yeah, I think it's an expression of, it's a way a lot of people express true friendship and relationship. But you know, kind of going back to these again, I've always heard about Michelin stars right, and I always knew that meant that it was a quality restaurant, but I never quite knew what each of those stars means.

ellen: 27:11

Oh yeah, Well, tell us a little bit more.

tish: 27:16

So you know, this actually goes back to the Michelin star ratings started back with the Michelin guide to restaurants, and it was from 1926. And they would award a star to a restaurant. Well then, in 1933, they added a two star and three star ratings, so now they had three different stars, and so the one star means that a restaurant is very good, two stars means excellent cooking that is worth a detour to go to, and three stars means it's so exceptional cuisine that it is worth a special journey in and of itself just to go to that restaurant.

ellen: 28:03

That is really interesting and it's funny. I had no idea that it was Michelin payers. You know they needed it, they needed this right. What a great background. And you know, I did just think that it was some other agency that did this and I had no idea that it has been going on for so long.

tish: 28:25

So I think and it was interesting. Do you have any idea how many in the US has only had Michelin star ratings since 2005,? Right, and the first one was awarded to a restaurant in New York City. But do you know how many restaurants in the US have been awarded three stars?

ellen: 28:49

I do not. I'm going to say can I take a guess here?

tish: 28:53

Take a guess, yeah.

ellen: 28:55

I'm going to say 25.

tish: 28:58

Only 14 restaurants have been awarded three stars in the US, so it really does signify a truly above and beyond exceptional experience. And that only comes with small details.

ellen: 29:19

You are so right. And when Sid at the beginning says she wants to have a restaurant with a star, you know that she was really going for it. I think in the Bayer it's those attention, that attention to detail that really elevates a restaurant and gets us there. So, tish, we've covered our six favorite life lessons for midlifers from the Bayer, but rest assured, there's a lot more life lessons hidden in this series, wouldn't you agree?

tish: 29:51

Absolutely. It is just jam packed. But I'm going to warn everybody, if you haven't seen, that there are parts of these that are so raw with people's struggle that it almost becomes hard to watch. But it also is very compelling and needs and needing to be better understood. You know these characters and what they're going through. I mean there's suicide, there's alcoholism. I mean there's deep stuff happening here. But, having said that, this is a series not to miss. You are going to love it.

ellen: 30:30

Agreed, tish, agreed. All right, everyone, we hope you take some good things away from this episode and watch the Bayer. Please reach out to us on our socials, on Instagram and Facebook, if you want to share something around the Bayer. And until next week, midlifers. Oh Tish, do you want to say anything else?

tish: 30:50

Yes, I wanted to give a huge shout out to our listeners abroad. We have listeners from over 40 countries, so this week I want to give a huge shout out to Canada, the UK, germany, spain and even I do. How do you say that? Abu, abu Dhabi, abu Dhabi? We even have listeners there. So please keep sharing our podcasts with your friends on social media. Word of mouth means everything to us and we appreciate each and every one of you, and don't forget to visit us on our website at positivelymidlifepodcastcom Until next week.