Create a Midlife Happiness Plan - Ep 20

This week in episode 20 of the podcast Tish and Ellen take it back to why they started the Midsters Podcast and they revisit the first episode when they introduced the concept of a butterfly moment.   Tish shares how she is doing now that she is a two-month empty nester after 30+ years of mothering - and she walks us through a new piece of the Butterfly Moment with the ten steps she followed to prepare for this new phase and hit the ground running. 

This week's obsessions:
Tish's obsession: Thrift Store Parties - friends thrift outfits for each other and it's a surprise and you go out in them and have a party! 
Ellen's obsession:  The Noonday Collection rustic leather wallet crossbody bag.


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Transcript

Tish Woods: 0:21

Welcome back to the Midsters Podcast. I am Tish here with my co host, Ellen, when we launched the Midsters podcast four months ago, we had a concept of what our podcast would focus on. Well, for months 19 episode and 1000s of listeners later, we couldn't be more excited. What we found in our first episode still holds true. We want to show other women how to create their own butterfly moment.

Ellen Gustafson: 0:53

So Tish, let's explain for our newer listeners, and maybe some other listeners who may not have had a chance to listen to our inaugural episode yet. What a butterfly moment is. This was a new concept for me when you brought it up. But it's not only one of our most popular episodes to date, but it also really is the essence of our podcast, it tells you what our podcast is about. So a butterfly moment, recognizes that even as midlife brings dramatic changes in our lives, it can be a period of renewal and rebirth. The changes we face as women at midlife could be anything from becoming an empty nester losing our parents, the loss of a spouse or partner, or even retiring from a long term career. The bottom line here is that midlife brings us change. So basically, our first episode, what we talked about is how we can either let this time become a midlife crisis, or a time of renewal and rebirth in what we call this butterfly moment.

Tish Woods: 2:07

Ellen that is like so well said I just love this. So it's at this time of our lives, that we should be embracing these life changes and not being afraid of them. You know, we can start by reconnecting with the things that we were passionate about in our youth, we can find new challenges and new adventures to get excited about Yes. And in this episode, I also want us to dive into another piece, another facet of this butterfly moment. And that's really about creating happiness in our lives. But before we start diving deeper into how to create that butterfly moment, you know, I love talking about our obsession

Ellen Gustafson: 2:53

Me Too

Tish Woods: 2:53

Totally. Now, it just goes by taking not taking So why don't I go ahead and jump off on this one?

Ellen Gustafson: 2:58

Tish, what do you got for me this week? yourself so seriously in life. Right? Yeah. And really, you know, do you get to see at the thrift store what your friend is buying for you. Are you trying it on? Or is it a surprise bag that that you know,

Tish Woods: 4:12

it's a surprise bag. So you should have like, whether it's you know, some of them do like shoes and everything. Wow, you'd have everybody's sizes and be able to do that. But you know, I'm going to be peeking over the rack seeing like what

Ellen Gustafson: 4:29

that sounds like a blast. So you need to let me know when the thrift store a party is because I'll be flying in for that.

Tish Woods: 4:36

Yeah, and you know, there's gonna be lots of pictures that that one Oh,

Ellen Gustafson: 4:40

I know. Well, maybe you can wear your white cowboy boots with the thrift store party.

Tish Woods: 4:45

I love those boots. I'm still I'm still obsessing about those. I know you are. I know. Ellen, what about you? What is your obsession this week?

Ellen Gustafson: 4:53

All right, well, you know I like to change my purse or my handbag every season. And even though it's still kind of warm here in California, I decided to go from a really big tote that I had like you know where you could fit a computer you can fit everything. I want to streamline for the fall. But when I was at our Trinity as sister tribe member Kathy's house this summer she had the cutest bag. It was by this company noon day. And it's one of those companies where somebody hosts a party. And it is just like a beautiful leather, big wallet. And it's a crossbody. But you can get one of those cute striped straps, like you can change out the straps on it.

Tish Woods: 5:38

Don't They refer to those as guitar straps,

Ellen Gustafson: 5:40

Guitar straps, exactly. But you can fit like a couple cards, some cash, your Silver City pink, and your. So I got one and I am just so obsessed with it. It's like light, you know, I'm not I'm not bogged down by the big tote with everything falling to the bottom. So I'll post a picture of it. It's super cute. It's called the rustic leather wallet bag. And I am in love.

Tish Woods: 6:12

You know, I love those guitar straps sit there using it can just give a little personality over you know, to your purse in your outfit and stuff like that. And it's that little nod of you know, retro hippie chic or whatever. I love it that definitely my vibes

Ellen Gustafson: 6:30

No my strap. No, my strap is blue and black and white. So it's like a like a royal blue. So it really does make it pop, you know. So, alright, enough about our obsessions. Because this is a topic I can't wait for us to jump right back into, you know, Tish in the first episode, you talked about the plan you'd been working on for a long time on a very specific plan for your butterfly moment to be ready when you became an empty nester. And I think this is because unlike some of us, you've been mothering for a really long time you have a longtime age difference. I don't want to say the years but bigger age difference with your four kids and a lot of us. And now you're two months into this, this new phase. And I really just wanted to check in with you and see how well the plan is going to the plan make it easier and didn't really make you ready for it.

Tish Woods: 7:32

You know what, what all my planning is really paying off.

Ellen Gustafson: 7:38

All right,

Tish Woods: 7:39

I am telling you, I really was ready. So, you know, again, anyone who hadn't heard our first episode, definitely go back and listen, because it's definitely worth the listen. But, you know, it was this idea that after my second youngest was going off to college, I thought, oh, when the youngest goes, I need to be ready to be an empty nester. And so that's where the plan started coming in. So I guess it's been about a year and a half now that I've really been, you know, thinking about it working on it. And I wanted to make sure that my transition was going to be a smooth one. So now don't get me wrong. I love having my kids around. There is nothing like a full house of kids. It keeps life interesting. I loved when my kids had their friends over. And so all that was very joyful. I don't regret any of that. But 34 years of being a mom. Focus, right. And so with this new chapter, it's not about forgetting to be a mom, but it's more about remembering to be an individual. So, um, so moving on to the next chapter in my life, and I wanted to really focus on being healthy and happy. So for that year and a half, I started putting this plan in place. So I picked up two new hobbies, beekeeping and pickleball. Right. And we started this amazing podcast. Yeah, that has really been so fulfilling, you know, works always busy, but work always is you know. So I have to tell you, I feel like my life is full. And Ellen, I hope you're taking notes because you're going to in less than a year and in less than a year. That is going to be you and I want your transition to be as smooth and joyful as mine.

Ellen Gustafson: 9:35

Well, I'm so delighted to hear that it's been going well. And you know, for me, it is coming up I have less than a year on it right as we speak. And you know, the thing I worry about, you know, becoming an empty nester is just really being home alone. Like you. I love the hubbub of lots of kids in the house and kids friends and something always happening or a sporting event to go to baseball, crew volleyball, you know, and so, I think it's going to be really difficult for me to have a schedule that I run myself and put things on it. Right. So that's what I worry about. Did you feel lonely being home alone? Tish?

Tish Woods: 10:28

Well, I mean, I have to tell you, between the new hobbies, our podcast, my job, I spend lots of time, you know, doing social things with friends and stuff. I really do feel content. You know, I've been working on a lot of different projects at home and doing these purges and organizations and stuff like that. And I even let one of our episodes about our fall reads inspire me to pick up a book because I don't cut a lot of time for myself with reading that I should. So you know, I started the book. But also, I wasn't just randomly trying to fill in every hour, I wasn't just trying to do anything and everything. Okay. Just so I wasn't going to be alone. Right now, I'm been really deliberate about pursuing things that really bring me joy. And spending some quiet time with myself has been part of it. So I think I really owe this positive outlook to one planning ahead for this time, and not waiting for my youngest to be gone before I started. But, you know, this whole idea of being comfortable in your own skin by yourself, right? It's, it's something I think when you when you're a busy mom and a busy life and a busy house, that it seems like it would be a vacuum. Yeah. But you know what, if you're ready, and if you have things that fulfill you, during your week, you know what you really do enjoy those quiet times.

Ellen Gustafson: 12:14

I really think a lot of us underestimate the value of recharging, and being still and being quiet. So I think that's something I'm really hearing from you right now. And that this is just not not about keeping busy and doing as many things as you can, right?

Tish Woods: 12:33

You actually know, it's not about just keeping busy. Yes, being active and busy, are part of it. And they're an important part. But I also realize that I've really been changing my Outlook, my outlook about myself, my outlook about what's important in my life. And I know this may sound very simplistic, but I've been focusing on finding happiness in my mid life. So I was reading this article from the AI NLP Center team. Okay. And it's this couple in 2011, that had written or developed this whole training program to help people focus on 10 things that mid lifers can do to find happiness. Wow. So Ellen, I swear, if you follow this list, and work each of these 10 items, you can't help but find more happiness in your life.

Ellen Gustafson: 13:36

Well, I'm really interested in these. And I see that it's not just about being busy, but making sure that we have this right mindset, this kind of the mindset, middle age mindset of happiness. It sounds like a next kind of a Netflix show to me a little bit with Marie Kondo, where she helps people like declutter their homes, and organize but you have to hold on the items and ask on each one, does this bring you joy? And you only keep the things right, the Marie Kondo, what gives you joy? So in a way, it sounds like that, right?

Tish Woods: 14:14

Yeah, it's I want everyone to go through and take inventory, about the things that you spend time with in your life. And I want you to hold that thing in your hand and ask yourself, Does this bring me joy? You are spending hours and hours doing things? And does this bring you joy? And it's time to declutter the things in our lives, that don't bring us that joy and happiness. So I want us to go through this list of 10 things, and that Midsters need to help find happiness, and just really think about making this a jumpstart to this process.

Ellen Gustafson: 14:55

Oh, great. All right, kick us off here. Tish.

Tish Woods: 14:58

Okay, so the first one is rethink winning. So in early childhood, they talk about being competitive served us well, right. Well, doing your best will always be important. And I'm not going to knock that you know, we all kind of strive but maybe it's time for us to let go of That attitude that says, You must be better than others and win at all cost mindset.

Ellen Gustafson: 15:26

Wow, you know, I think I have really redefined to that. And what's important, and it's not about winning or having more, or beating others, you know, it might sound kind of corny, but I know in our dogs episode, I said that thing for me was enjoying the journey, like really enjoying the journey and being present is the most important.

Tish Woods: 15:53

Yeah, when I wrote about this number one thing I thought, wow, I said, you know, that when at all cost mentality that a lot of driven people have, right, is just so off putting to me now. And I tend to want to be around people who are invested in more of a, we all can succeed mind set, you know, I prefer, I'm more of a team player I prefer working together and mentally kind of working towards everyone can be better, you know, not let me beat you. Let me beat you. I'm the winner on the top. Everyone's below me. But this idea of let's uplift all of us together,

Ellen Gustafson: 16:40

right? The kind of collective we Right? Yes, then we win. I'm right there with you. Yeah. Okay. Well,

Tish Woods: 16:48

that was a real positive way to start off, you know, rethink winning. Act. Number two was stop the comparisons. Obviously, comparing yourself to other people is a common habit of a 20 year old. Okay, so you're gonna hear 20 year olds talk about they have, you know, very similar type of friends and, and they're so worried about what their places in the world, right, I think this stop comparing yourself to other people, is something that really, we need to embrace at midlife.

Ellen Gustafson: 17:20

You know, I'm 100% agree, and don't you think as we develop more self confidence as we're in in mid life, most of us are less inclined to comparing ourselves to others.

Tish Woods: 17:34

Oh, yeah, I couldn't agree more, I think that we stopped comparing ourselves. And we're just worrying about being happier in our own skin. You know, I, I just want to get to a point where I'm just genuinely happier for what others are accomplishing. And not so you know, worried about comparing what does that mean? Does it make me look good or whatever, I just want to worry about doing a little bit better than I than I did yesterday, not worrying about how it compares to my girlfriends. But, you know, just worrying about kind of being in that race by with yourself to do a little better than yesterday.

Ellen Gustafson: 18:19

Right It's not about others, it's about you, and your mindset, and you feeling like you're moving forward, I'm completely there with you.

Tish Woods: 18:30

Now, number three, is go for self expression, and not approval. And I think those two kind of really go hand in hand. So of course, youngsters don't like to admit it. And I know personally, I didn't either, but they crave recognition and approval, and not having the life experiences that you you have obtained by the time you're at midlife. And that personal depth of you know, what is possible. 20 years later, young adults tend to look outside themselves to know that they are okay. And midlife returning that, that, you know, microscope inward.

Ellen Gustafson: 19:13

Yeah, we sure are and I really like this one. I enjoy sharing with other people what I'm doing. But I really I think as we hit 50, you know, don't really feel like I need anyone's approval anymore. And I noticed what I've stopped doing is asking people all the time, what do you think? What do you think about this? Should I do that? You know, because there's just a more of a confidence of knowing what's right for me.

Tish Woods: 19:45

I like that. Yeah. And it's it's not needing others to approve of our choices. I think other women around us. If we're not judging them, okay, then they may not feel the need to judge us right. So we can share without all that judgment. I think we could be more creative, be more imaginative think out of the box. When we develop that safe environment to share without judgment.

Ellen Gustafson: 20:16

I just have to add here this whole idea I know you and I have talked about this is that everyone's on their own journey. And you just need to accept their journey. And that comes with no judgement without judgement, right and, and so I think that's really important.

Tish Woods: 20:35

So number four, discover your values. So the key to being fulfilled and effective at any age in life is to know how to live your personal values. This is particularly important at midlife, because this is when you are most capable of truly embracing your values. So they pose this question, what's most important to you in life? And so this deep answer to this question really will reveal what your values are. So this is they want this idea. They want you to pose this to yourself, what is most important to you in life? And that's going to tell you where your value system is?

Ellen Gustafson: 21:23

And that's a great question. And we should all be asking ourselves that, that all the time, and you know, another task, it's like another one that makes us look inward, really, to sort out what we believe in from what we just might be doing from habit or obligation. You know, a great example of this is church growing up, we went to church every Sunday, you know, as a young person, either your parents brought you or, you know, it was a habit or how we were raised. But as adults, you know, we need to question why it's important, or if it's important to us, once we have that intentional value, that intentional value, I'm gonna say it again, it increases our joy in doing it, whatever it is.

Tish Woods: 22:11

Oh, I absolutely agree. You know, I always I was always in a couple of these groups for church, these small Christian communities. And I always was kind of in awe. As, you know, older people in our group, they seem to embrace their spirituality so much deeper than I did. And I didn't quite understand it. And it wasn't until I read this, that it really hit me why that was true. Because I think they were getting in touch with why they're religious beliefs were of such value to them. And it really showed their joy and increase their joy of what they believed in. But it took it took me a long time to understand it. It really did.

Ellen Gustafson: 22:56

Yeah, that it was deep and true, deep and true.

Tish Woods: 23:00

And you can you can tell when someone's true in their beliefs. Yeah. Yeah. You know, for me, I think, I think I spent the last 34 years really focused on what values I needed to teach to my kids. Okay. And so, of course, those are an extension of what we find valuable, right? Yeah, this is a little bit different. This is more about a fine tuning of our own personal values. And basically, the only thing is that I, if I don't value it, I don't want to spend time on it anymore. You know, so it's sorting out what's that truly important thing? And where am I going to, you know, put that I think that if you're not clear about what your values are, journaling may be a great way to start exploring that with yourself. So again, this is something you should seek out to someone else, and you know, have that conversation to have it afterwards. But this is really that inward look at what is truly important to you. So if you've never journaled before, I would highly encourage you to really talk about in a journal to yourself, you know, what's important in your life? And what are those values that surround it might be a great way to start.

Ellen Gustafson: 24:23

It sounds like a great way to start and, you know, when you're, you're at this stage, this butterfly moment, you have a little bit more mindshare to put towards these things, and to really dig deep so I think I'll be getting a journal.

Tish Woods: 24:39

Okay, that sounds good. I've journaled many times over the in the past and I think I've gotten away with it, but it's away from it. Right? But I think I really need to get back to it especially as I'm doing this very inward journey lately. So number five, let me move on to number five. This is a big one. curb the materialism. So in our youth getting stuff may have served as a way to boost our status and kind of as they put it tickle our ego. You know, what's good for us, we sought out for the evidence of our worthiness external All things, you know, that car that house that trip that this? You know, those are the things that we kind of showed off to say, we were successful, right? Yeah. So if we let it run its course okay. So this stuff is to be appreciated for what it is and enjoyed right? Yet, when you invest in stuff as your primary means of happiness, it will fail you miserably. Now lost, always going to check, we're always chasing the next, the next the next the next purse the next shoes the next high the next this materialism is an endless Chase.

Ellen Gustafson: 26:05

Absolutely. And I heard John Mayer, the musician once talk about this, that he loves expensive watches. And the second he would get one he was on to the next. The satisfaction was so short, it was about the question and moving on. And, you know, I'd rather spend money hanging out and being with friends or traveling with my kids, then getting new jewelry or a watch or, you know, something fancy like that. And I think at this stage, you know, I don't value shiny things.

Tish Woods: 26:43

Mm hmm. No, no, don't get me wrong, I love me a

Ellen Gustafson: 26:46

Yeah. And there's a lot of research out new purse. I do mean to I'm not saying this is not to say that people should take a vow of poverty that they shouldn't, you know, do nice things and go on nice trips. That's not what I'm saying. It's different, but you know, that purse is going to wear out and, and go out of style. But when you invest, you know your heart and soul and time into spending time with things that really bring you long lasting joy. You know, taking time out to go laugh with friends, to go travel and see new things to break bread and share wine with others. Those are the things that you know, have meaning more to me. But there's a difference. So when you focus on things to bring your happiness that is fleeting, and you'll always chase it. Now, if so, again, it's not the, you should never want nice things. That's not it at all. But if that's the only thing that you chase to have happiness, you're gonna keep chasing, you're gonna keep chasing. there about how memories building memories with those you love is so much more satisfying than consuming things.

Tish Woods: 28:05

Absolutely. I was just with a new friend today. Her name is Dee. And I was so inspired because her birthday her son's birthday, and her daughter in law's birthday are boom, boom, boom on a row. And they have decided to do birthday trips. They're not doing gifts and stuff. And their next trip is up to Boston. And you know, we were telling her she needs to go to North End and do these quaint little Italian restaurants because she's considering opening one. And so I loved that idea, though, you know, kind of it's about that. Can you tell? Can you tell me what somebody bought you for your birthday four years ago?

Ellen Gustafson: 28:47

Absolutely not. I can't even tell you last year. But you usually remember

Tish Woods: 28:52

like, oh, we went to this dinner we had laughs We did. Yeah, those are things remember. Number six, surprise me at first, I didn't quite understand it until I really started to think about it. But it's called honoring authority. Okay, so it's this idea that you should start to relax and enjoy your role. There are several benefits to simply allowing those in authority and authority, authoritative roles to just do their job. You get to relax and just play your role. You can focus on simply doing your best you can earn the trust of those with more power in any organization. The clarity of knowing your role takes pressure off of you. And you can take full responsibility for just yourself.

Ellen Gustafson: 29:42

I really like this one and it's kind of a new concept but you know, in it can also be tricky for us driven kind of career. Women. It's like we've been driving in fifth gear on the autobahn, right. And now we're gonna shift maybe to to third. And to be okay with that, right? Tish? Oh, I

Tish Woods: 30:06

agree. You know, I think this one and I said, I think I still need to work on this as well. I can see I'm in the downshift, right? That some of my friends I know are retired. Hearing and focusing on that. And then I have other friends who are 40 something, my friend Sara, in particular, think about her. And she's just kicking that and into high gear right now her career is going crazy. And instead of feeling like, oh, I need to keep up, or threatened or intimidated, I just tried to be so encouraging and supportive, because I was there, and guess I am shifting down. And I'm okay with that. I can be absolutely okay with her, flying past me, and going in lightning speed and be all the encouraging and supportive that I can to her. And it's about my internal happiness and where I am, and it's not as wrapped up anymore in what do I do my career. And it's focusing, it's shifting, I can see that I can see on going down a different path.

Ellen Gustafson: 31:19

And I think that's a, it's a really great point, for those of us that have really put a lot of time into our careers, right? That things can be changing and to to be okay with that.

Tish Woods: 31:35

Yeah. Now, number seven, it kind of goes hand in hand with that one to embracing your limitations. And it's talks about slowly accepting that I'm not the right guy for every kind of case, okay. And it's this idea that, as we recognize that we're not, we're not everything for everybody. Okay. So it allows us to kind of say, that's not my expertise. This is my lane. This is where I'm really good. And let me soar in, in where I'm really successful at what I already know. It's kind of letting go of needing to be knowing everything about everything. But to say, You know what, I know an awful lot about this, too. You need this. I'm your girl, you need that. Maybe we need to go to elsewhere in life right now. Right?

Ellen Gustafson: 32:37

I know, we I kind of call those people EOE's expert on everything. And I've never needed to be an E. O. E. myself. You know, there were some that really felt they were experts on everything. But I agree it's really being more focused and knowing what you're good at and letting someone else. Take it on when when you're you know, that's not your expertise. I definitely think that at first, I thought when you when you brought this up, embrace your limitations. It was more like on our kayaking trip when you wanted to go into caves and be really daring, and I did not. I had definitely embraced my limitations in a sea kayak. But

Tish Woods: 33:23

you made me embrace my limitations on the sea kayaking, too. And we still had a great time with our time . We but you know, I really thought about this one. This one gave me a little when I first read it gave me a little trouble because I was like, you know, again, as driven women, the word limitation is like a dirty word. Right. And that's not, that's not what this is about. It's I think, anytime I was in a job when I was younger, and I didn't know part of it, I felt a burning need to become an expert on that area, because I saw it as a weakness or a missing link or something. And I think now it's that, let it go. Just keep moving forward with where you do dominate where you are an expert at, you don't need to be that EO E. I've never heard that one before. But you don't need to be that and there's a lot of happiness and not chasing being the EOE

Ellen Gustafson: 34:28

true it's true in my kind of work. A lot of times we say stay in your own swim lane. That's one of the things right and I think that

Tish Woods: 34:35

line okay. So number eight, draw the line, oh, this now this is setting boundaries. When we say no speaking of drawing lines, now, many of us how to put this that that we we are not clear at making boundaries of what is acceptable to us. And I think as women were not encouraged at a young age to have good boundaries, we will be in morph into whatever is needed in a job and our families. We're in a relationship. Women are We're taught to not have clear cut boundaries growing up. So this is a tough one, I think, for a lot of women. And I think the real key to happiness, and I'm seeing this in a lot of different things in my life right now, is, when I set better boundaries, I'm happier, you know, to say, you know, this is the line, you need to say on that side of the line, I'm gonna stay on this side of the line.

Ellen Gustafson: 35:49

You know, I think we could do a whole episode on this. And I agree that women, really, we've been taught to be pleasers, and we've many, many of us have led lives with no boundaries. And I used to get angry. It's like, well, I said that, why do I have to keep redrawing the boundary? I have to put the boundary back in the sand. I have to do it again. Don't put your foot over the line, you know. And now it's like, well, there it is. You want me to say it 234 times it's not moving. Right. I think that's something too, that you know, what has really come with mid life? Right? There's limited to we were feeling I'm feeling there's limited time left? I don't want to be doing things I don't want to be doing. Right.

Tish Woods: 36:40

Yeah. Yeah. I've also found that there's a whole lot of drama, when there's not clear boundaries. So true. And you don't have to scream and yell your boundaries? No, you just say this is it and turn and take your toys and go home, I guess. Leave? You know what I really would love to do a whole episode on setting healthy boundaries. I think this is a skill that we need to learn and relearn. And we need to teach our daughters at a younger age,

Ellen Gustafson: 37:12

absolutely teach our daughters, the younger generation of women need this.

Tish Woods: 37:18

Okay, so number nine, is see your parents as people. So, you know, if you're doing your own emotional work, they say that seeing your parents as people is key in here. And this is time to begin in a much easier way as people that we merely see our own strengths and weaknesses and stuff. So I think we've always like put our parents on this pedestal, pedestal of perfection. And if they fell off of it, or dipped low on it, man, we were calling them out that they weren't perfect needed. They didn't do this, or they didn't do that. And we didn't really see our parents, as people as they have their own struggles, and they're going to succeed, and they're going to stumble, and they're going to get back up, and they're going to try their best. And I think when we see that we can be easier on ourselves as well.

Ellen Gustafson: 38:22

I completely agree. And you know, both of us have lost our parents, both of them. And I think as as I get older, I definitely see them as more human, right. Just Normal people. And it's true when I was younger, I did expect them to be perfect and really held them to too high of a standard. And now with struggles we've all faced in our life lives, you know, you can really understand their choices. And I do remember when my mom was sick, she had ovarian cancer. And she was dying. We were chatting one day about something. And she said to me, I did the best I could with what I had, I always tried to do the best. And sometimes it wasn't enough or it wasn't right. But my heart was always there trying to do the best thing. And I really took that moment away with me from from that conversation.

Tish Woods: 39:25

Well, you know, it was funny. I do not have a lot of arguments with my daughter, right? We recently had a really bad argument over this very issue. She was holding me to task about things like not being this perfect parent and I didn't do this or I didn't do that. And I really kind of laid into her with this. I said you know, that kind of same kind of thing. I did the best I could. I was a single mom for you know most of my adult life. I did the best I could I'm a flawed human being that works on trying to be better. And we really came through that okay, you know, I think she came to this idea of wait my mom was just a person. You know? She she did do her best asked and stuff like that. And I think maybe at a much younger age, she has a little bit of a more of an awareness. Right? I'm just a person, you know? Yes, I'm mom, but I'm not perfect. And yes, I made mistakes. And yes, I did my best. And I think when you let your parents off the hook on that, yep, start you're let yourself off the hook on maybe feeling I should have done more? Or should you're just a person you did your best,

Ellen Gustafson: 40:48

right? It's that judgment piece we talked about earlier, when we're not judging ourselves so harshly. We're not judging others. And that's the same for our kids. Right eye on us.

Tish Woods: 40:59

So our final one, number 10. This is the bottom line. Look Within, for the answers you are seeking. And I think all of the first nine kind of speak to this bottom line. These things are not external. They don't come from someone else. True happiness really does come from within, you need to answer these things for yourself. What's important to you? Where are you spending time, what are your your values were your boundaries, these are all internal things. So at the end of the day, that you that you seek within these boundaries of your own skin, gone are the days when from our youth that we are looking for outside assurances, and reassurances and status symbols, that every thought leaders throughout history have validated this principle. You know, it's just so important, it has to come from within. And this is the time we are at midlife. And this is the time to really start going from within. And if you do these things, if you really look at these 10 steps, you can really get to that happy place.

Ellen Gustafson: 42:23

You know, I just love this one so much. And I think calling it the bottom line is really perfect. You know, it's a journey. It's a it's a discovery. And it's so great that we have this ability to be at this moment of self discovery, and beyond this journey. And I think, you know, maybe in the past, there's been a lot of noise around. But the noise is quieted and you you are seeking this from within. And as you said earlier, Tish it's not about busying yourself, it's about knowing yourself.

Tish Woods: 43:08

Yes, that is so true. And so this is I think, and this is why we redid this episode, and this is why it was important for us to redo this episode, if we really want to get this through, and get this conversation started with our listeners that, you know, make those plans that that you want to do about happiness, reconnect with the things that are important with you really seek out that happiness. Life will pass you by if you're waiting for other people to do these things for you. Yes, this work has to come from within.

Ellen Gustafson: 43:49

That's right. And it's your work.

Tish Woods: 43:51

It's your each of us, each and every one of us. And I want to be that spark that moves you forward in this journey. I know you do as well. I'm passionate about why this podcast is important. And why this particular topic is really the essence of who we are The Midsters Podcast, this idea that we have endless possibilities. still rings true. It started a first episode, and it still rings true a number 19 And going forward.

Ellen Gustafson: 44:27

I know and listeners hate we'd love for you to post on our Facebook page. Some things around this concept and this topic and your butterfly moment. We'd really like to hear from you. We'll go ahead and put these 10 on our website as well and thanks for listening till Next Week Midsters

Tish Woods: 44:50

Till next week Midsters