The Midsters Podcast

11. Midlife Dating...a Man's POV

July 20, 2022 Tish, Ellen and Kevin Cross Season 1 Episode 11
The Midsters Podcast
11. Midlife Dating...a Man's POV
Show Notes Transcript

Ellen and Tish welcome Kevin Cross to the show to talk about midlife dating from his point of view.  He's a friend and a big supporter of the Midsters Podcast and he is currently single.  Kevin shares his dating philosophy called equally yoked and we ask him questions sent in by our listeners!

Tish's obsession: Smile Direct LED teeth whitening kit and refill pack
Ellen's obsession:  Mrs. Meyers Geranium room spray

Tish Woods:

I would love to introduce my dear friend, and special guest today, Kevin Cross. Now, Kevin is a 48 year old divorce male currently single ladies. Kevin is going to share a man's point of view on dating during midlife, and he has his very unique philosophy that he refers to as equally yoked. But first, before we dive in to meeting Kevin and hearing about his dating philosophy, we need to talk about our obsessions, you bet we do. So my obsession this week, I'm going to start off with

Ellen Gustafson:

Tish, Tisch go ahead and start.

Tish Woods:

My obsession this week, is actually a product that my son was using, he has gotten like used to like, all of a sudden boxes get delivered to the house. And they're usually for him. He's got all these gimmicks and stuff that he's looking at. But he had one of these teeth whiteners with the LED light to it. And I swear it had lightened his teeth, about five or six shades lighter. So I actually said, let me try some of that. Let me try some of that. So I did. And so I am telling you, it just looks bright. Without that. And I've gone into the dentist and done it and sometimes it it burns. So without any of the burning stuff or the teeth sensitivity. They actually look really a lot whiter. So I'm going to be getting onboard. And we will share some links that you can order some. But I'm telling you it's it's 10 minutes of your time and all of a sudden it really brightens up your smile.

Ellen Gustafson:

Well, I can verify this because I have seen Tish today. And not only are her teeth much whiter, but she can't stop smiling kind of pointing at them. So you're bringing her a lot of joy this week, too. I can there we go. All right, we'll put that link in the show notes for sure. And well, my obsession this week is something called Mrs. Meyers. room spray. Do you teach the unit the Mrs. Meyers brand? No, I'm not familiar with that at all. It's all natural like dish soap and so been cleaning products for your home. And I know we've talked about this before because I'm a cancer survivor. I just love having the all natural products and especially around the home but I also as you guys know have an air b&b unit. And when I turn it around for guests, I love to spray the geranium Mrs. Meyer spray, you can put it on fabric on the couch on the sheets, just in the air in almost every guest asked me What is this like, you know, your your unit just smells so fresh and great. So just to introduce everyone to it. It's made with essential oils and it's cruelty free. And I think once you try one of the Mrs. Meyers products, you would definitely be addicted to it. So

Tish Woods:

sounds good to me,

Ellen Gustafson:

geranium. All right. So let's jump into our guests today. Welcome, Kevin, I have to say, we are so excited that you're here with us. And that we're going to get your view a male view on dating at midlife and, you know, online dating as part of that. And as Tish said, Kevin is single, and he's going to share insider information that I think can help all of us out. And we want to know what men really think. And Kevin, we're gonna put you on the spot here to talk for all men in a way. But let's, let's hear a little bit about you.

Kevin Cross:

Thanks for having me. First and foremost. I've been a avid listener of you guys's podcast, and I think it's phenomenal.

Tish Woods:

Thank you.

Ellen Gustafson:

Yeah.

Kevin Cross:

Well, I'm Kevin Kross. I live over in Virginia. I guess I got divorced twice. They get it right the first time. So I tried it again. And just trying to find, I guess navigate our way just like you guys are trying to navigate my way through this path of trying to get back into you know, putting a toe into the waters.

Tish Woods:

Absolutely. So Kevin, so we've talked extensively about this, but I want you to explain to the listeners what you mean. I mean, by this dating philosophy that you call being equally yoked.

Kevin Cross:

Well, it's a concept that I've kind of tried to live by just a hair. of going back into the dating world there is, we've all went through the pinnacle about ages that we've tried, I guess a little bit of everything. So when I come up with a philosophy for myself as being equally yoked with someone, it has a conception theory in the workplace, your friends, your family, and in the dating world, that we're all not at 100% on an everyday basis, so if I'm not, you know, feeling 100% Today, then, you know, my partner or someone I'm getting to know, we can kind of miss in March where we bring each other up to try to, you know, see things on the same accord. I guess, I look at it as we've all tried this before, and some of us married divorced separating things and such. So I tried to find a partner that I'm equally yoked with. And there's someone with the same things of interest, certain things that we have in common. And if it comes to conform it that we can't find that then how are we going to, I wouldn't say the word waste a lot of time about we are we going to invest a whole lot of time when right out of the gate that you know, certain, I guess triggers are red flags, just we take notice of and every one isn't for everyone. And it's okay to let someone know that you know what was so nice to meet, you was so nice having a cup of coffee with your glass of wine. And besides what in turn, I just don't see where this is going to be where anything longevity for myself. So that's where I put the disclaimer in there, we can still be friends, and we can still chat and we can still, you know, go down the avenue as humans, but we're just not yoked together to go any further than where we are right now.

Tish Woods:

So what was happening in your dating life that was saying to you that you weren't picking the people that that got this for you. So what led you to get the hang of this clarity that of what type of person you are looking for?

Kevin Cross:

things of interest. First and foremost is a value of someone's time. We're all working, you know, midlife, you know, in our mid life working and things that said, so everybody doesn't have the same time structure. So, oh my god, you're so nice. You're so funny, but I'm a guy to work so much. Okay, kind of, you know, come accustomed to having a home well, the top of my head and I like to eat. So I gotta work. Kinda, it's almost like, you know, the time variance doesn't match up, or that we just don't have the same common denominators that are Monday through Fridays, are subjected to work, children, we still have, you know, young ones that we're raising and such. So, on the weekends and such, you know, there's a time where you want to go out for brunch or breakfast, or a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. And I come to a point where, you know, my time is valuable to me, and your time is valuable to you. And I have to respect the fact that, you know, our times that that match up. So it's certainly things of that nature, and there's little small, miniscule things sometimes and sometimes it's just we just wasn't on the same accord with finance and politics and or, you know, just the way I guess we live our lives.

Ellen Gustafson:

Kevin, you know it, I wonder if it's part of you know, knowing yourself more at mid life. So before like, maybe when we were younger, it was like well, I don't really like that about the person but I'll just sit with it for a few more days or a few more weeks or a few more years. Is it part of like you just really knowing and understanding yourself here at midlife?

Kevin Cross:

Yes, it is a whole lot is almost like when you're dating online. It's almost like a shopping list. There's some things that we can get off the bottom shelf certain sugars doesn't matter certain salt so The matter, so you can get that off the bottom list, then you go to the mid show where you know, certain things you can get away with recipe wise are on your shopping list. And some of us want to shop off the top tier, you know, some of us like Tide not Gain, you know. So you're dating now, I guess everyone male and female, almost have you know, we won't settle anymore? No. And we should not settle. And I think we're old enough to a point now we've tried a lot of things that we've settled for. And we just don't want to sell anymore, we want to, it doesn't have to be the top grade on a top shelf. It doesn't have to be the mid grade on the midterm. So but you know, certain things we can get away with on a bottom shelf, but it's almost like a shopping list. So yes, there's certain things that I learned about myself that, you know, I bring a lot to the table, and you can bring some things to the table, and we don't have to be equally yoked into one. But in turn, there's some things that we're just not going to be on accord. And we all have time. When I say time we have Long's every time in our lives. But do we really have a lot of time to waste on the grocery list, let's say that we know that we won't do we don't want certain things well,

Tish Woods:

so by midlife, you know, we've all had those relationships that didn't work out. And I think sometimes we get into this trap of focusing more on what we don't want. And what I really loved about your concept was you really focused on what you were looking for, not on, you know what somebody else, like, you know, like, kind of keeping a scorecard on them, but you kind of looked at what you were looking for. So Kevin, kind of as a man's point of view, what are like the three most important must haves for a partner to be equally yoked with you?

Kevin Cross:

Independence, number one, you have to be independent, we're all grown adults, and you have to be independent to a point where we all we can lean on each other for emotional attributes, we can lean on each other for physical attributes, when in turn, you got to be somewhat independent. I guess number two, know what to actually want. We're not in Intermediate School, and then in high school, and we're not in college anymore, you have to have a foundation of what you really want. And you have to express what you want. Because none of us in the realm or at the age where we're going to play a guessing game. And number three, for me is that respect from this, this just this simple respect, if things, if you're not in the course line with the individual, it's okay to say, you know, like I said earlier, you know, Kevin, I think you're a great guy, and yada yadi but, you know, is this, I don't see anything wrong, Jared for me, and you still may have a friend out of it, someone that you can actually call and check up on and you can ping off each other in this in this road that we're all you know, traveling down getting back into the midst of the world, the dating world, I would say,

Ellen Gustafson:

you know, Kevin, what I really like about this about your list, which I hadn't heard your list of three, until right now is that you started with independence, because I think so many women, you know, have have really fought to for their independence by the time they're at midlife. And that knowing what you want is is a second to that. And these are qualities that I think are really honorable, if I could put it that way. But what I love about this idea, it's it's not a judgment of the other person not being good enough. It's more of a focus on what fits into your goals and the way you see your future. And so, tell us a little bit more about that.

Kevin Cross:

Um, what I see looking forward down the road is I guess, just finding someone that has a little bit more understanding of who I am and what I'm trying to achieve or trying to achieve in life and as time goes on, we can meet each other in the road down the road, and become equally yoked to where your partner should be able to beat the same beat that should be kind of finish the sentence. Once you start one. Kind of not know what you're thinking but kinda know where you know After time, and it's not a it's not a quick, fast and in a hurry time. But I guess for me, trying to find that next pinnacle of, we've all tried to marriage to a longevity partnership and it didn't work out. So I guess for me it's it's trying to find someone that actually understands my communication level my feelings and we're going to stay yoked together and we're going to work on just being good people amongst each other for each other to move on to the next pinnacle of our lives.

Tish Woods:

I like that, I like that. So I love hearing about this. And I would really like to take some more opportunities to kind of get deeper into some of this. But until we do have that opportunity, we want to ask you some questions here. Okay, so we have, and we want you to give us some good honest answers about how you guys feel about dating. Because I gotta tell you, we are lost. We don't understand what guys think we are. Really think so we're asking you to spill some guy secrets. Okay, that's right. I'm gonna I'm gonna start with my first one. So, if you are an online dater, and I know you are, what are like, two things that really kind of grab your attention and think, oh, I want to reply to that person.

Kevin Cross:

Well, unfortunately, online dating has is this thing where a lot of the apps have, you know, I guess, your facial feature first, and I guess, I guess, for me, attraction is is an attribute for everyone. But it's what you put in your profile comments, you know, they're there for a reason, what makes you tick, what are your hobbies? etc, etc, etc. It goes to a point where if you match with someone, you kind of know where to lean, you know, and to where, well, you know, if you pose interest in each other, well, would you love to go hike? One weekend when you are free? Or would you love to go? I don't know, rock climbing? One weekend when you are free. Guys are looking for the same thing that women are, it's unfortunate enough, but the physical attraction is the first thing that you see. And you kind of lean on to that. But the backdrop and the profile ladies is where some men Good men, you get their attention with it.

Tish Woods:

So you you do you want to see those activities, you want to see that there's some things on their list that are that are things that you currently enjoy or want to try.

Kevin Cross:

Yes, because another conforming of being equally yoked. I can't I live at the beach. And I don't go to the beach. So I'll have to go to the beach. Okay. I'm not going to bide my time is that I know that and I know that. So I'm not going to put on a facade. Do you actually think that? Well, okay, I'll meet you down at the ocean front it. And no, it's a for me, it's just going to be like, Whoa, I mean. So, yeah, I guess the profiles do put a pasture on, you know, for some good guys, that actually gives them an endgame of what you like, and they can feed off of that. And move forward with that.

Ellen Gustafson:

You know, I have to say on online dating, a lot of times, it's intriguing to me when the person has, like we match on activities, but they just something I've always wanted to do, whether it's like salsa dancing, or, you know, and so it always makes me feel good to think, Oh, I could maybe get out of my comfort zone. If I go out on a date with this person. Do you think men feel the same way?

Kevin Cross:

Yes, I think so. I think one of the things that that's intriguing with that is that you see online profiles. It's a some people don't want to be a serial texter or serial email. Yeah, the only way to get to know a person, I guess for me, is by communication. I communicate better via conversation because I'm a conversationalist. I'm a storyteller. I'm a funny guy. So a lot of women like to get that feel of you know, let me email or let me text and see where it goes. What up took notice of friends of mine is a lot of my male friends. We like instant gratification. So someone Texts they want to reply right thing right there. They want your attention and you want to grab it. They want to grab it. I want to grab that Id and some of my female friends feel like well, you know, I am at work or I'm cooking or yada yada, it isn't and yada yadi that. So, I guess for me is that communication is key if you're certain men feel if you don't respond to them in a certain fragment of time, that you're not interested in them, and they keep on fishing, or they keep on whatever app and they're doing, they just move to the next thing they because, honestly, it's like a meat market. So you want to kind of grab that attention, if you can get it if you pose interest in kind of gravitate with that.

Ellen Gustafson:

Yeah, I think that that's a really interesting difference between men and women there, right. But I've got another question. I'm curious if you meet people in real life Kevin and ask them out? It seems like so many of us are just online dating, right? That's the only place I think because of the pandemic but maybe just at midlife, our our social circles are not going out and doing the things we used to do when we're younger. So do you think it's possible to meet a woman in real life just in your day to day and what to you? Or where's the best place you think to do that? So our our ministers can go hang out there?

Kevin Cross:

I guess for me, I would like someone to feel comfortable and safe in their surroundings. So it's definitely somewhere public. And if a guy's asking you, well, you know, come on into my house. And I guess what the youngsters say, No, that's Netflix and chill. That's no bueno. You want to keep safety and serenity on both. And so if I read your profile, and you like coffee shops and such and such, or like certain brunch restaurants, me personally, I would invite you there to have that comfort barrier. And so you're comfortable. You're in a surrounding where, you know, if you know anything, orky was the be Said happen, you're going, you know what I think my check in. So I personally, I personally think interaction, out meeting someone and public just to get a lot of men ladies really don't know how to communicate themselves via text message. I guess for me, I get more of a sense of a person by conversating and or going out and about, just to get to know someone in deftly to know where what you're thinking about what's the thing that you like to do what's interesting, and also what things you don't like, so we don't go down the trend where, you know, you don't say anything or do anything that you know, kind of pursuing that douchebag column.

Tish Woods:

But Kevin, so are you strictly an online dater? Or do you meet people out without initially meeting them online?

Kevin Cross:

Me personally, I'm a big personality. And I would honestly say in the last seven or eight years, I have not met anybody out and about because ladies, men are just as scared of rejection as you are in online dating gives you somewhat of a mask or way where if you match with someone, you've seen some more read something that you'd like so the rejection doesn't hit so hard not to say that love and romance can be found at a local grocery store or convenience store. Or carwash not to say that but I think ladies men are very, very much so scared of rejection, way more than women because women are very defensive. You know, the cat calls? Not a good thing. Not a good look. No, you're never you're never gonna get them on with cat call. So I think for me, I have but I even though I got a big personality, and things as such. I'm still afraid of rejection just like anyone else.

Tish Woods:

So okay, so I have another question for you. And this is one that always plagues women a lot. So Are there signs for a woman to see that show that a man's really interested like, how do you know that it's not just somebody who wants to have a one night stand? How do you know when they're really interested?

Kevin Cross:

Men have a tendency to I can only relish In to what I do. If I'm interested you, I'm going to tell you good morning, every morning. If I'm interested in you, I'm going to tell you to have a nice day, in the midst of the day, I'm gonna take two things that I'm a day and take that to bother you, I have this this quote that I say, "Hey you", and when I say, Hey, you, you don't have to respond. You don't have to give, you know, because everybody's busy. At this moment. I'm just saying, Hey, I'm thinking about you. And, you know, get back at me when you can. And so that's my, I kind of put it out on the forefront. And when I say Hey, you, I'm just like, right into that moment, you're random, my mind doesn't even respond, etc, etc. I'm just thinking about you at that moment. So if a guy is really into you, he was doing the small subtle things that will grab your attention. I don't know when you're at the most busy, busy hours of your day. And you look down at your phone. Oh, Johnny said hi. How are you? No, no one. No one likes the it's almost like, I remember a movie, every phone has to be answered. And every text message has a response. There was not. We are midlife, professional people, we have things going on. But if a guy is interested in you, He will make two seconds out of this time and they say, Hey, how you doing? I hope you have a great day. Yada, yada, yada.

Ellen Gustafson:

I like that. I like it. It's really the little things. But you know, Kevin, we can't have a conversation about midlife dating without hitting the subject of sex. Right? I knew you must have known this one wasn't coming. Did you know this one was coming?

Tish Woods:

I think I knew

Ellen Gustafson:

I think you knew too. How important is sex in a relationship at midlife? And I think maybe the bigger question and this can work either for the for a man or a woman is having sex the first date, it's an outdated concept to think my might want to wait.

Kevin Cross:

Um, you want the male perspective

Tish Woods:

we're looking for right now. We already know our perspective we want we want to be honest, be very honest.

Kevin Cross:

At all of our ages sex is okay. I'll give you an analogy of mine. Now at this day and time in a relationship for me sex 52% of relationship the other 48% is lust and love and, and and trust and everything you will whatever you whatever you want to put in other 48%. But 52% of sex for me is that that percentage, and it doesn't have to be on a first date. I guess for me, if I have sex with you on a first date, I'm not going to have it I have more respect for myself for that. And we can hold hands, we can cuddle, we can you know, kiss at the end of the day. But we all know, there's douchebags and there's certain apps out there that is just you know, engaged for that. But if a guy is really into you, you can give the sublty that they look nice and you smell good. And oh my god, they dress this, you know, make sure you pop a little bit there, they're always going to give a little bit of a nudge to see how far they can get. But I'll tell you ladies, we used to have this this thing. I'm a retired fireman, there's no booty on duty. And when you're on a date, you're on duty. So you until a woman gives you that engagement to engage. That's when you know, they're ready that attraction barrier is equally yoked that that lust that that that intermediary level can be where it is. I guess for me, if you posture the engagement of booty on duty on the first day for me, you can't be I can't date too long longevity. Because if I got it like this, how many others is got it like this? You know? What is it okay to be sensual and sexual for a long time we've all been married in a long term relationship, or or deeply yoked with someone that we weren't getting good sex with. And this is the time where our kids are getting older. They're empty nesters. And you have these gratifications that you wanted to explore that, you know, it's okay to be a little bit of a little bit dirty. And but in turn, you know, it has to be reciprocated on the other end. So, I guess the your question is that, that's great. It's fine. It's okay as a part of life. We were species you know, penguins maybe for life. spiders eat their meat versus species?

Tish Woods:

We're somewhere inbetween those two?

Ellen Gustafson:

And I think Kevin, your answers really like it depends, right? It depends on both of the people in the situation and what everyone's comfortable with. So I think that was a good, good answer. Good.

Tish Woods:

Good. I have a question that I know, a lot of my peers that are dating, are thinking about, and, and I've heard negative stuff, in my experiences. Is it? It always seems like super driven successful women have a much harder time dating and finding a relationship? And are men threatened by that? Or is it the fact that they're busier? What is it about that?

Kevin Cross:

It's a totally intimidation factor. Let's go with you to career driven, conservative, smart professional women. Certain men desk can not become equally yoked with you. And I don't know why. And I've gotten male friends and I've gotten female friends that asked that same question says and is is a little bit of inferiority. If you go back to where our parents and grandparents, you know, come up in their day, the man was the provider, the house and etc, etc. And now it's vice versa. And that's where another conception theory of being equally yoked is we cannot be afraid to let a woman be independent. I mean, I know, I know, CEOs of companies, and I know, district managers and etc, etc. And certain men are very much intimidated by that. And for the man that shows a little bit of what's the word I'm looking for. You don't have to be we're both in this together. And I guess the answer to your question, yes, men are very, very much inferior of strong, independent driven women. And I wouldn't say I don't know why. But it's a I wouldn't say as an alpha male thing, it's just a thing. And a lot of my successful female friends are definitely having a hard time. Right?

Tish Woods:

It's, it's really, it's definitely a thing, it is a thing? Well, Kevin, we are going to ask you two more quick questions before we wrap things up. And we know we have to bring you back because there's so much more we need to know. I will let Ellen Go first. Okay, my last one.

Ellen Gustafson:

All right. And what about ghosting this concept that, you know, you go out with somebody or you're talking to them online, and then all of a sudden, you just don't hear anything? What's up with the ghosting

Kevin Cross:

I guess is a peak of peak of non interest. I personally try to not have that, that that, that everybody has value. And to just fall off the mountain with someone that you got introduced with a phone number is a big step for women. And if a woman gives you their phone number, they're letting down a little bit of that guard. And I when when a guy seems to go someone, you're I guess what a couple of things. They don't see a gateway into your physicality, they don't see a gateway into your time. They don't see a gateway with it is a lot of men have have a tendency to just want to be everything right off the gate. And if you can't, oh my gosh, I text you, you know, 15 minutes ago and you didn't respond to me, and they'll just fall off the mat number one number two real quick is that they're out on this meat market and they're shopping like no, they're shopping like the game or you're not given exactly many

Ellen Gustafson:

irons in the fire. Yes. Many irons in the fire. Okay, so

Tish Woods:

I have one last fast question for you. Do you think that men and women who were interested in each other can be friends at midlife? midlife? Yes,

Kevin Cross:

I totally agree. Eight nine years ago, I didn't think so. Now as I've grown and I've become growth and more confident in myself Yes, I have more female friends that I have male friends has no never touched them never kissed them. And we have the greatest time imaginable guys that are missing out on good camaraderie. Yeah, missing out on great conversation. You're missing out on great networking tools of life. What Better two than a man and a woman can have to know the opposite sex and put us out here in this in this world of feast and famine. Just so to your question. Yes, I totally read it again. But the equilibrium of respect and things didn't work out and you're not equally yoked in any type of conformant. Yes, we can come to that terms. Yeah, we can be we can totally be friends, I think there's definitely I think is a, I think is is something to where a lot of women would rather have a guy friend and a girlfriend, they can ping off each other. It gives us the stability. And in this in this walk that we're walking together,

Ellen Gustafson:

I love that I love to have that it's the ying and the yang, right that, you know, we really each bring something to the table.

Tish Woods:

Well, Kevin, I can't thank you enough for being our guest today. And I hope you don't get a thrown out of The He-man Woman Haters Club. I'm sharing all this inside information. But in conclusion, it you know, for our midsters in order to find the partner you want, I really believe and what I'm hearing from Kevin is you need to know who you are and what you want. First, you need to know what your must haves are for you. And then you can go out and find that partner who is equally yoked that kind of can pull the relationship in in that type of way. So just don't settle for someone just because you feel like you're getting old or whatever. You find that person that's right for you. That's right. Remember that that that real joy and happiness starts from within and that's what people are attracted to.

Ellen Gustafson:

And know yourself know yourself. I think it's great message. Thank you, Kevin so much.

Kevin Cross:

You ladies are so welcome. I appreciate you so much.

Ellen Gustafson:

All right till next week minsters