To celebrate the end of 2023, Ellen and Tish are resharing the top episodes of the year - ICMI (in case you missed it). Today we revisit Episode 64 on the Just Let Them Theory - which is something Tish and Ellen both put into place in a BIG WAY in 2023 and consider it one if the best midlife skills they learned this year!
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Have you ever felt exhausted by the endless cycle of trying to control the outcomes of those around you? Join us as we delve into the 'Just Let Them Theory', a liberating perspective coined by the phenomenal Mel Robbins. Through candid discussions on the challenges of changing entrenched behaviors and finding peace in personal autonomy, this episode is an invitation to a more fulfilling way of engaging with the world.
In this episode, we unravel the philosophy of allowing people to be themselves, highlighting its profound implications for your emotional peace and relationships. We delve into our personal experiences, sharing how we've learned to trust and respect our loved ones' autonomy. We also venture into the realm of parenting, discussing the profound impact of allowing our children the freedom to fail, learn, and grow from their experiences.
Our conversation takes a deep dive into the power of acceptance and the significance of individuality in relationships. We discuss the harmful effects of trying to change a loved one and how jealousy, a form of control, can erode relationships.
Listen as we explore how letting people pursue their happiness can enhance love in relationships, even if it means risking failure. We also shed light on the importance of empathy and the freedom to express emotions. This is an episode you won't want to miss!
Support the show by being a patron with a monthly subscription.
Website: www.thepositivelymidlifepodcast.com
Email: postivelymidlifepod@gmail.com
Website: www.thepositivelymidlifepodcast.com
Email: postivelymidlifepod@gmail.com
To celebrate the end of 2023, Ellen and Tish are resharing the top episodes of the year - ICMI (in case you missed it). Today we revisit Episode 64 on the Just Let Them Theory - which is something Tish and Ellen both put into place in a BIG WAY in 2023 and consider it one if the best midlife skills they learned this year!
+++++++++++++++++
Have you ever felt exhausted by the endless cycle of trying to control the outcomes of those around you? Join us as we delve into the 'Just Let Them Theory', a liberating perspective coined by the phenomenal Mel Robbins. Through candid discussions on the challenges of changing entrenched behaviors and finding peace in personal autonomy, this episode is an invitation to a more fulfilling way of engaging with the world.
In this episode, we unravel the philosophy of allowing people to be themselves, highlighting its profound implications for your emotional peace and relationships. We delve into our personal experiences, sharing how we've learned to trust and respect our loved ones' autonomy. We also venture into the realm of parenting, discussing the profound impact of allowing our children the freedom to fail, learn, and grow from their experiences.
Our conversation takes a deep dive into the power of acceptance and the significance of individuality in relationships. We discuss the harmful effects of trying to change a loved one and how jealousy, a form of control, can erode relationships.
Listen as we explore how letting people pursue their happiness can enhance love in relationships, even if it means risking failure. We also shed light on the importance of empathy and the freedom to express emotions. This is an episode you won't want to miss!
Support the show by being a patron with a monthly subscription.
Website: www.thepositivelymidlifepodcast.com
Email: postivelymidlifepod@gmail.com
Website: www.thepositivelymidlifepodcast.com
Email: postivelymidlifepod@gmail.com
Tish, have you heard about the Just Let them Theory?
Speaker 2:You mean the one from Mel Robbins, right?
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, it's simple and powerful, like most things in life. You know, I found they aren't rocket science, but this one's very liberating.
Speaker 2:You know, I know I've heard about it, but I'm really not that sure I really completely understand how it works. So I love that we're going to talk about the Just Let them Theory today.
Speaker 1:That's right. Mel shares that we spend so much time and energy getting emotionally worked up about things that are totally out of and beyond our control. So the theory is about stopping to try and make people do what you or me want them to do, and I know I do this all the time, tish.
Speaker 2:I know they're amazing listeners who aren't really familiar with Mel.
Speaker 1:I love how we're on a first name basis with her Tish Kind of like Brene, we're also on a first name basis with Brene.
Speaker 2:Exactly, they're just our girl tribe, but these are women. These are such relatable women and I think that's why we feel so connected to them. Hopefully our listeners feel the same about us. But yes, so Mel Robbins is an American podcast host. She's an author, a motivational speaker and a former lawyer, and what I love about her is she is just so real and she gives very clear, simple messages. It's not super complex things. She's very simple and clear about how to make your life better.
Speaker 1:You know that's right, and I believe she uses all of these things in her life as well, and she even talks about that. Her podcast is one of, if not the most popular podcast in the world right now and we'll put a link to her website and her podcast in the show notes if anybody wants to learn more about Mel Robbins.
Speaker 2:So, alan, you know, to me it's so draining of my energy when I try and control how someone else responds to things, and this idea of just let them sounds so free, like a breath of fresh air to me. So let's dive in, because I want to know more, because I need to know more.
Speaker 1:I hear you, Tish.
Speaker 1:I've been practicing saying just let them in my head and out loud as we got ready for this episode and it sure rolls off the tongue. But putting this into practice, I don't think it's going to be as easy for you and me. Old habits are difficult to change, but we can all use a technique for this. And control and wanting to control things leads to unhappiness, and you know that's what we're here for on this podcast is to grow at midlife, to change, to make things better, to become aware and we both know awareness is the first step in making changes.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm really looking forward to this one. I feel like we are about to have more of those midlife growing pains right, ellen, I feel like I have grown so much, like lately, going through all these exercises in our podcast, I think I've grown as much as when, maybe during my teenage years.
Speaker 1:I agree, I definitely agree. You and I go through everything we talk about. So today we're going to talk about just let them in so much more. But you know, I love this part of the show. I say that every week. Let's get to our weekly obsessions. What do you got from you fish?
Speaker 2:Okay, so I have, you know, being the summertime and being I've been out in the sun quite a bit and stuff like that. So Hawaiian Tropic has this amazing after sun body butter called exotic coconut, and I'm sorry, the smell of Hawaiian Tropic just sends me back to my teen years, hanging out at the beach bars on Lake Erie, it's just south of Buffalo, with my girl tribe. So give me some Hawaiian Tropic exotic body bar body butter.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, say that five times, fast you know it does remind me also of us sitting out on reflective blankets in college to get our tams as well, right.
Speaker 2:Is this something about the Hawaiian Tropic scent? It just yeah, just takes me right back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love anything. Coconut Including a drink, including a drink.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly. But Ellen, what about you? What is your obsession for this week?
Speaker 1:You know, my obsession is this product called O-S-E I think that's how you pronounce it. It's O-S-E-A, and they make a product called an ocean cleanser and it really is super creamy. It feels like you're washing your face with the ocean. It has seaweed in it and I think what's great is that it has no sulfates, battleates, parabens, petrochemicals, mineral oil, silicon or talc all those bad things that I know.
Speaker 1:She talked to us about a few weeks ago, so I think this product is pretty good from that standpoint. But it just feels so moisturizing. My skin at midlife is dry and it just is a miracle. So the O-S-E Ocean Cleanser is my obsession.
Speaker 2:Oh, that sounds really good yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's not too expensive. You know it's a little more expensive than something you might find at you know CVS, but things at CVS are the same it's $18. So I think people can splurge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's a doable luxury. Okay, I like that.
Speaker 1:All right Links to both of these in our show notes. But let's jump right back into the just let them theory tissue when you quote unquote. Just let them do whatever it is they want to do. You gain emotional peace. You gain a better relationship with those people in your life that you care about. I mean, how good does peace sound? Mel Robin suggests right.
Speaker 2:Does that sound good?
Speaker 1:No drama. Mama Mel suggests the way to tap into this is to let people be themselves and not try and control them. Does that sound simple?
Speaker 2:Deceptively simple, I think. But let's start with the most basic reason that somebody would want to control others, Like why would even someone want to control someone else?
Speaker 1:Well, I feel some scientific research, or just some research, or a stat coming on tish right. What do you got?
Speaker 2:here Exactly exactly. So this comes from PsychCentral and it states that a person with a controlling personality is driven by high levels of anxiety to feel safe. So, through their need for control, they might be unconsciously feeling okay, but this creates this anxiety that can create this strong desire to control their surroundings and especially control other people, and this helps to keep a sense of order for them.
Speaker 1:I can relate to that completely and I think it's meaningful for us to start with this tish right. Why do we or others want to control situations or people? I am malstated that. It's like an alarm bell that goes off in our head for our anxiety, and I've realized here in midlife that I have anxiety and possibly maybe just a teeny, weeny, small bit controlling, under the guise of this midlife wisdom that I have. So we've touched that this theory is about letting go of control and letting people do what they will do, and Mal had a really good way that she equated this that when we have stress or anxiety, it triggers something in us, and she said it's like rowing a boat upstream against a current. It's exhausting, it's pointless, it's futile, you'll never get there. And would it just let them theory? You stop rowing upstream, you turn it around and the boat goes with the flow.
Speaker 2:I love that image. And Mal makes this huge promise that this simple philosophy will change your life. So turning from controlling everything and everyone, but rather to let that current take you where it's going to go anyway, because the control is so exhausting and by letting go of that you are going to be getting back your energy and you can spend that energy on yourself. And she even says that her kids are using this philosophy.
Speaker 1:They're using it on her, which I think is really funny right.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. I visualize myself fighting against this current. Like Mal suggests for us to understand this theory, you can really feel like the exhaustion of trying to paddle upstream, and the thing is it doesn't create more control. You actually feel less control. But, as Mal says, when you take your hands off the oars and the oar turns around and goes downstream, floating with how things are going to go, that's when it becomes easy, when you just go with it.
Speaker 1:Right, right, and instead of fighting, you create this piece for yourself. I have to say, obviously, this is where I'm sure the phrase going with the flow came from Right Tish.
Speaker 2:I guess so yeah.
Speaker 1:I know Well Tish, I admitted to being a teeny weeny bit of a control freak. Do you catch yourself controlling people, or maybe your kids?
Speaker 2:Well see, here's the thing you know when we were new moms we have to control everything that our kids did, right?
Speaker 2:Because, heaven forbid they'd stick in their fingers and light sock If not right. So but I think I have gotten better, as my kids have gotten older, to start letting them choose their own path, even when I didn't agree. Now I will give them my opinion, but I also let them know that they need to make their own choices. I had this recently with my daughter. Her and her boyfriend are thinking of moving to a town about an hour away and they're in this situation where his employer is helping to pay for their rental home and they're going to walk away from that to buy a home you know away. And I think it's crazy and I wanted to like jump in and I thought I'm going to tell them my thoughts and then I ended it with but you know what you guys are so like financially responsible and responsible about everything. I'm going to trust that you're going to do what's right for you.
Speaker 2:And I love that it was about respecting them. You know they I'm putting more weight on the financial help they're getting, but they're putting more weight, I think, on their home ownership. Yeah, Home ownership.
Speaker 1:Home ownership. You know, Tish, bravo right. They asked for your opinion, you gave it, but you told them no, they didn't ask, they didn't ask.
Speaker 2:Oh, they didn't ask, oh, okay, they didn't ask, they didn't ask, okay. But but I very carefully said, hey, these are my thoughts, because I don't want to come back, have them come back later and say, oh, we didn't think of that, these are my thoughts. I know what you guys are trying to do or whatever, and I know and I said, I know you're going to pick the right choice for you all.
Speaker 1:That's great and I learned so much from your parenting. Tish, you're years ahead of me with your kids and I do catch myself a lot more, especially with my children, and I try and stop it. I have an example that happened during the pandemic. Everybody here in Marin the boys, they just grew their hair long. I mean, it looks like in 1975 to me the whole time I was waiting for, you know, bikes with banana seats and sissy cars. But one of my kids decided to keep the wrong hair and it has created this huge push pull between us. I like shorter hair. I know that it's something he'll eventually change, but the hair just kept growing and it's curly and it's gotten bigger and bigger and bigger. I even at one point tried to bargain an earring. You feel it? You said you wanted an earring, like get a haircut. Well, that didn't happen. I mean this is a ridiculous example, but this is how we want to be in other people's business and control. He is 19. It is not my business. I have learned to step away.
Speaker 2:Okay, and here's the thing, alan. What if you just let him have long hair? I think you're trying to control more than just his hair. Maybe it's something about what the long hair means, or the image or whatever. It's not really the hair, it's really what the you know. So you've caught yourself now trying to control this. And what would happen If you just said let him have long hair.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I am here. I have surrendered.
Speaker 2:I have realized.
Speaker 1:I mean, this has been a couple years, though, but this hit home. You know this is powerful. It's time for me to let go. He is on his path. He is a great kid, you know. Just let him right here. Done, Mike, drop there.
Speaker 2:Okay, we'll see if we revisit that one. Yes, we will revisit this one. So I don't know. I have always felt that people who try and control you, it's really more about them not feeling in control of their own life, and If they focus on you and controlling you, it makes them feel like they're controlling something. Yes, and, like I said, it becomes very tricky with parenting, because At one point we did have to control everything. Yeah, then, yeah, we had to start letting go Absolutely.
Speaker 1:It is not, but it works with parents, with your husband, wife, your partner at work, in Friendships. This is true and true and true across the board.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know what, in midlife I want my focus to be more within me, getting good with what I want and what's important to me. And that's not to say that it's a selfish focus, but just worrying about being the best person I can be, controlling the only happiness that I can control, which is my own. Okay, there is just so much drama surrounding worrying about what others think and how they might respond. I'm said it's just too draining and I'm done with it.
Speaker 1:I Fully agree. It is beyond time here at midlife to stop focusing on what others you're doing, because we know we can't control it anyway. Right, I am with you. I want peace and I want to spend my time Focusing on things that matter time and energy. I always feel like it's not time in midlife, it's energy.
Speaker 1:It's becoming a rare commodity that energy we love that energy, and this reminds me of something I learned by going to Alan on, and I know this is true. In a A2, they have this phrase called keeping your own side of the street clean. When you want to go tell someone what they should be doing and how they should be doing it, what you really need to do is come back to yourself and work on yourself, and I think this is something that everyone can benefit from.
Speaker 2:You know, and probably why you're hearing it in an, in an Alan on meeting, because there's a great example of where you Were very good reasons. You want to control somebody not drinking because it's so detrimental to them, right, yes, yes, but ultimately you can't control that. You know. Yeah, and we're gonna.
Speaker 1:We're gonna talk about that a little later on too, but you hit it spot-on, tish.
Speaker 2:So it sounds to me like we are right back talking about boundaries again.
Speaker 1:Alan, we're back there again, right we we are we are.
Speaker 2:But, but it's really with a different twist this time, and instead of the confrontation, we stop trying to make others do something and we start just reacting differently, that's all.
Speaker 1:It's true and, for me, really understanding that this control is a response to anxiety Hits home, being aware when it happens and just using I can't just let them a mantra, not a theory in a way because you know, whenever you say it, like I was saying you, you know, just let them, just let them, even if you have to say it out loud, right, it is what puts that pause there. It helps you stop Spinning down even further and deeper into control.
Speaker 2:So, when you're walking down the street with your son and you go by a hairdresser and Instead of like grabbing his arm and you're gonna say, now, we also say, though, there are times that you shouldn't put this theory into action, and I think this is super important, because these definitely include times where there's danger or there's bullying. Okay, and it's like a great example would be you don't let somebody get behind the wheel if you know they've been drinking, and that is not. That is not the time to say just let them know, because that's danger, right. We don't want to say just let them as we stand by and watch somebody be harassed or discriminated against, right? This is that is a step up and speak up moment. This is not a we'll just let them.
Speaker 2:There's a difference here, right, and I think we can all realize when we need to be present and involved and when we need to start saying just let them.
Speaker 1:I agree 100% here, Tish. I mean you know, you have to know when you need to take action, and those are situations, danger, bullying, discrimination. All of those need you, as you said, to stand up and speak up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so let's look at four ways to use this theory. Okay, so now that we kind of know what it is, let's give some practicality behind this.
Speaker 1:Yes, I think we both have some situations we can share here. All right, the first one is being left out. This is so common. It's common at any age. It hurts, still at midlife, and we can react to it and it doesn't feel good and it is a trigger, I think, for us to try and control the situation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, being left out of a friend situation like, say, going to a concert or going dancing or even just going away from the weekend yeah, that it's hard. That's a hard moment.
Speaker 1:Tricky territory, but have you ever been left out? Because you're single, Tish Left out.
Speaker 2:You know I have, but over the years I've tended more to shy away from a lot of couple situations, so I almost preferred being left out, because there's nothing worse than, yeah, I'll go to that New Year's Eve party with all the couples.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just don't want to.
Speaker 2:But I totally get that when you're the one left out, it's hard not to feel those feelings. It definitely is, yeah.
Speaker 1:It is. I have as well in a couple of situations. One friend said, would you want to come? And I was like, no, but thank you for asking. And another situation I wasn't asked but I heard about it after and you know, just let them. Who cares? Like you were saying, these are not situations that were going to be great for me anyway. Who wants to be the only single at a couple's dinner party in New Year's Eve? I'm totally with you.
Speaker 1:But you know I've been left out too, with just friends. There was a time where some friends went to hear some music together. I found out after I wasn't invited and I was sad. But I quickly thought well, I don't want to invite everybody every time. Sometimes I want to go out one-on-one, sometimes I want to do something solo. Right, we're not invited to everything. And I think if you are feeling hurt, you've got to examine, you know, do you need to plan things or you somebody who has really put time and effort into your friendships? Right, take it again, take it back in, think about it and just let them organize something else, right?
Speaker 2:I think this one's pretty straightforward, but it's just to remember. Not everything is really about you. Maybe you were excluded because that person needed to have a one-on-one conversation with somebody. You don't know the extenuating circumstances, and I always believe having diverse groups of friends is always a positive thing too, because not everything is for you, you know that's right, that's right.
Speaker 1:I mean, I have heard of someone being upset that some friends were going on a trip and they really only wanted four, because four is a hotel room, four is an easier taxi or Uber or rental car, right, and they felt like four was just better. It's easier to navigate, you know so a lot of times it's not about you. It could be about the situation, right.
Speaker 2:But my advice would be to take a breath, kind of get in this mindset of just let them and just go with that. Yeah, Don't make everything into this big personal assault and just let them. And you know, in a day or two it's really not that big a deal.
Speaker 1:It's not, it's not. And again, that mantra takes you to a different place. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So a second example is the let people fail. Okay, so here and this may be a lot with our kids, you know, our kids or younger people, but it could be with friends as well is, you know, to give people the room to grow, the chance to learn and take personal responsibility and to understand that every choice isn't, you know, always going to be perfect or whatever. But it's okay to let, especially with kids, let your kids fail.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Let them have that opportunity to pick themselves up, move on, come back from stuff. Those are the lessons that really stick with us through our. You know it wasn't the easy time. We remember it's the getting through the hard time and if you're constantly intervening and hovering and taking care of and you're not giving them that opportunity to fail, to regroup and then to succeed, you're robbing them of that. You are.
Speaker 1:And I love this, this kind of idea that you need the thing of the consequences, and I know that's with with children, but even at work, if you don't do something, you know and you have somebody working for you. Sometimes you got to let them fail right and understand the consequences. I know for me this is where addiction is a big one here.
Speaker 1:And I know, you know this. At one point I tried so hard to get someone in my life sober. They weren't ready. I had an interventionist, a rehab, I mean. It all failed miserably. That person did not want my health. I did not understand this concept of just let them and I was trying to control the entire situation. And so if I had understood this at this point in my, at that point in my life, it would have been a lot easier. And I think this is one of the the prime examples of let people fail. I could have given this person the room to grow and to take this on on their own, and I didn't, and it was a tough lesson to learn.
Speaker 2:You know, every time you step in and maybe potentially make a problem go away, you do prevent that person from growing right. Yep, you stop being a people pleaser or a rainmaker.
Speaker 1:Yes, no. I like both of those things and I remember Brandon, our guest on on some big midlife transitions. He said growth, growth is happens in the hard times. Yes, you know it happens in the hard times, and I think that's so true here, you know.
Speaker 2:I wanted to, I, I, I just want to round back on that. You know there's there's this, this whole theory of helicopter parents, right, and, and they're constantly hovering and hovering and making sure everything it's good and perfect and what. These kids do not know what to do in crisis because there's nobody hovering there to make it all go away. So you know, it's this, and I know it's one of the hardest things to do to sit and watch your child struggle, but it's one of the best things you can do, and the younger you allow them to do that, the more skills they learn. So when the stakes get higher and higher, as they do, when we get older and older, they have a toolbox.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we always talk about the toolbox and adding to the toolbox. Now I was going to talk about the situation with my son and his dorm room. It doesn't really belong in this part of the podcast, but I think it's interesting that it came up right, because Will, my youngest son I think we've talked about him quite a bit is going away to college and we went and looked at the school and he showed me where his dorm was and it was not the dorm I would have picked.
Speaker 2:So you have a situation where Will's going to be going off to college, right, yes, and he had to pick his own dorm room.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Did you let him just pick it?
Speaker 1:Well, I did. Well, that depends, tish, on how you say it. I, like you, added my opinion to the dorm he picked, which I would have picked something in a different location. And he said, nope, I'm happy with my dorm. And I went back again to try and say, well, what about this? Maybe you know when it's raining, whatever. And then I just realized, it's true, I had this epiphany of just let him he's happy, why do I want to control where his dorm is Like? It was so hard for me. But this theory, this mantra, it took me three times. Granted, right, I went back twice, but on the third time it was like it hit me, like just let him he's happy, why am I getting it? Like, why, why? Why as well, I can say here, so you know this, this theory, I mean it is really helpful.
Speaker 1:I felt like I would have gone back again had I not had it. What I'd like to do is to not go at all right, Just accept, just let him.
Speaker 2:Well, here's the thing we're not going to make all these changes overnight.
Speaker 2:We know that these are going to be things that we need to practice. But I have got to give you big props on that one, because I think Ellen of a year ago would have just kept going and going until she convinced him. But you are very different from Will, you know Will is he's very social in a lot of ways, but he also likes his quiet time. So a dorm, sort of removed, is probably going to be the best for him, so everybody won't be at his room Exactly.
Speaker 1:I mean. So many reasons why it it is. So, yeah, and thanks Tish, I do feel like I've grown in the last year, and here's the thing.
Speaker 2:I think your intentions were good and that's the thing I think people need to understand. All of these contri trying somebody can try to control isn't because they have bad intentions all the time. Sometimes it is, but a lot of times it's not. We might have well intentions, well it doesn't. It doesn't change the fact that they need, he needs to pick his own space.
Speaker 1:Yes, and why do? I think I always know better with this midlife wisdom, and I think that's where I really have to go back to my side of the street and work on that aspect of it. So you know what we have. The third way, and this is to let people be themselves, who they are and who they're not.
Speaker 2:Say that again, because that's a powerful thing.
Speaker 1:You know it is. It's just like letting my son have his long hair. He is who he is. I think there's this whole concept of trying to change people, right? Yes, and I think that's what this is about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we need to stop doing this and let them be themselves, right? Mm, hmm. And Mel asks are you in the relationship with truly who they are? It's a powerful. Are you in the relationship with this person, whether it's a parent, child, whether it's a friend, whether it's a lover, whatever it is, are you really in the relationship with truly who they are? Let them be who they are.
Speaker 1:This is a huge one for women, I think, in dating, especially in choosing a partner, and there's this thing of you don't date a guy for his potential, don't have a friend for their potential either. Don't try and change people, just let them be. I think we see potential in people and want to have the relationship with a potential person, not with a real person, that dating people for their potential is huge at midlife.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing If they've gotten to this point in their life at a certain way, we really have some balls thinking we're going to change it. Come on, this is crazy. But not saying, well, if he just did this or he just changed that, I mean, come on, we're pretty baked into who we're going to be at this age. I think this is one of the prime, prime times to say just let them.
Speaker 1:I agree. I mean, how angry would we be if some guy came and was like you know what? I think you got a lot of potential.
Speaker 1:But I don't really like how you are now, I think you got a lot of potential to be even better. Boom, they'd be at the door. I mean, here's one thing and I know I mentioned this before I've learned that houses are fixer upper. Men, friends, people, they are not. You need to like people as they are not for what they could be with a little bit of our zhuzhing, you know, kids you zhuzh a lot in your house right, you're zhuzhing and you're moving pillows.
Speaker 1:Forget that shit. You better like people for who they are and you make good choices based on what you need, not what you think this person can become. I think this is a great point.
Speaker 2:Ellen, I absolutely love that. You know, whether it's the kids, the parents, the in-laws, the friends, be in a relationship where who they are right now, at that moment, and just be good with that. You know, jealousy right itself is a way to control and I see this all the time, you know, truly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I see it too, Tish, and I think this is a great point to add here, because jealousy is just another attempt to control people, whether it's your partners playing golf or you know, your sister's going out with other friends, or someone spending too much time reading, too much time playing pickleball right. Not doing the things we want them to do.
Speaker 2:You know this kind of happens because I think some people feel threatened. You know and you know they're seeking out love and acceptance. But jealousy to me it just backfires on you and in that attempt to show your extra love by being extra jealous or something you know it's, you know it's, to me it lessens it's that need to control, shows the insecurity of your feelings and it really to me shows less love, less respect.
Speaker 1:You know 100%. I agree with that. When you allow people to do what they want to do, what makes them happy, you become present and your relationships become deeper and you bring more love in. I know this sounds counterintuitive, in some ways right, but it's like, even if you're uncomfortable with it, if you do that, it brings the love you want.
Speaker 2:Right. So I mean and that's not to say that you just let anyone do whatever you know- Right, thanks, you have that choice to walk away, turn and walk away, you know.
Speaker 2:But jealousy itself is just toxic, you know it's. It is just the opposite of just let them. Jealousy is that ultimate control, and we need to support people to do what makes them happy without the control. It's that. What is that line? You know, when you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. Same thing, the same thing. You know you don't need that toxic jealousy to show your love and your control over somebody. You know, let them be who they are. If they're meant to stay with you, they will stay with you. If they want to be faithful to you, they'll be faithful to you, and if they don't, no amount of jealousy is going to keep things intact. There's, no, it's a false control.
Speaker 1:I 100% agree, and I'm gonna quote Ding here and say free, free, set them free.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:It is. It's the other mantra, other than just let them. I think that's equally as powerful. So I've learned a lot about how much time, energy and effort I've been spending trying to control things here. So those are my two mantras Tish.
Speaker 2:And something that is perfect for midlife is. I can create a better flow in my own life, if I can use this just let them as a pause to thinking about what I'm really doing and where my motivations are, and I'm going to use this just let them as kind of a self-check.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like that, I like that.
Speaker 2:You know, just let them. Hey, if it's really that important that I maybe can't let go, you can go back later, but initially go with the, just let them. So I know we've been going on, but I want to get to the fourth way that we can use this just let people have their emotions and feelings.
Speaker 1:You know we have talked about this time and time again. So if someone's upset, just listen. Let them have their feelings. Don't try and change them or negate them. We just talked about this to share our Barbie episode. How hard it is for us to listen without adding on, without, maybe, if we're upset, defending our point of view or telling them why they're wrong. So let people have their emotions and opinions, just let them.
Speaker 2:Correct, I think so many times. You know politics is a huge one for this, but there's so many times where we want to control the outcome by controlling the emotion and we need to listen and let people have their own emotions. You know, I've heard years ago, you know they were saying you know, emotions aren't right or wrong, they just are.
Speaker 2:You know and we need to let people be upset when they're upset and not to get into it or not to try to solve it. You know, maybe just stop and listen to what they have to say and let them have that time with their feelings.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and it allows you to kind of step back and observe You're not trying to solve, you're not trying to rescue, you're not trying to push your opinion or why you did something. I mean, I had this where a friend got upset with me over something that I did and I would not give her the space to just have her emotion and her opinion on what happened. I wanted to stop her and I wanted to really be like, well, no, no, no. This is why this is how this is, you didn't understand.
Speaker 1:I think you've probably done this with friends or with siblings. Right, and this is really what we're talking about here. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion and feelings and it's not our place to tell them the right or wrong or negate them or try and convince them otherwise. And this ability to observe, to detach, to just listen is so key in life and this is a big mid-life learning for me, Tish.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I couldn't agree with that more strongly that we need to find this peace and ease, that we have to be okay. Just because somebody has an opposite emotion of how we're reacting doesn't make them right or us wrong, or us right and them wrong. Think of it as just peace and ease. And the less you need to control people and focus more on yourself I think that's where you're going to find your inner peace is when you just truly embrace this idea of just let them and sit in that for a little bit and then you make your decisions. If it's something that is a deal breaker for you in terms of a friendship or relationship, then it's a deal breaker. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:Or sometimes you can just let them and they might come back. It might not be the end you can agree to disagree.
Speaker 2:Exactly, I hear you. I appreciate what you're saying. I don't necessarily agree with what you're saying, but I'm going to let you have those feelings.
Speaker 1:This is new. I mean, this is some kind of new thinking here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for me it is.
Speaker 1:Well, I just want to say peace and going with the flow and ease, I mean that sounds like a great midlife to me. I want to say thanks to our listeners for joining us. Just to say if you like the show, you can support us with a Patreon subscription. The link is in the show notes. I know Tish and I have our quarterly Zoom for our patrons. If you get on soon you can jump on to that event with us and till next week midlifers.
Speaker 2:Have a great week.
Speaker 1:The Positively Midlife Podcast is presented solely for general information, educational and entertainment purposes only.